Been pretty busy over here at Happy Go Lucky Lounge and Gopher Tannery. I’m working on getting my book all done so it can debut this spring but I’m not so busy that I can’t provide the internet with a list of foods that can only be enjoyed alone because they are embarrassing.
A list of foods that can only be enjoyed alone because they are embarrassing:
If you are going to eat these you are going to want to eat the entire family size bag and wipe the flavor dust on your jeans. Or suck it off of your fingers. Either way you will reek of zesty ranch and you’ll need a shower. Just stay home.
Any cheeseburger that has more than one beef patty
I don’t know about you guys but that second patty doubles as an edible tissue because I don’t know if I’ve ever bought one when not in a fit of self loathing. I wept in to a Wendy’s double stack burger this year at PDX because I was sad I had to leave. I both want and don’t want to eat huge cheeseburgers all at once and will power and self respect never win out.
Inevitably I wind up with ketchup grease dripping from my fingers and shoving the last bite into my face with a penitent eyeroll towards heaven.
Frito Pie is comprised of the following: Fritos, chili, four cups of grated cheese. Directions: Put that shit in a bowl. Microwave. Eat with a spoon, alone, in the dormitory you share with a coke hungry kleptomaniac and stare listlessly at your unfinished color theory homework and listen to the sound of the locked door handle rattling because motherfuckers think they can just walk up ins and download Petey Pablo on your computer.
The best pie for desperately missing your parents.
Macaroni and cheese…piled on top of mashed potatoes
Don’t you look at me I SAID DON’T YOU FUCKING LOOK AT ME.
Cadbury Creme Eggs
I don’t know how you people eat these things but the way I do it, it’s less “eating” and more “sensuous oral pleasuring.” I will hoard the creme eggs and find a quiet secluded spot and oh! so tenderly nibble the top bit of chocolate off. Then comes the best part, the most erotic part. I spend about 20 minutes per egg licking the cream out of the center….just…just really getting in there. No one wants to see me get saucy with the easter candy. I didn’t really want to admit to it on the internet, but whatever.
Also I never want to eat the chocolate shell. I just huck that bullshit over my shoulder when I’m done. Mom used to hate that so that’s another reason Creme eggs are a dirty, secret thing that must be hidden.
Like sodomy in Texas. It happens but you don’t want the authorities finding out.
Corn on the cob
This food is basically a buttery blowjob that fills in a serving of vegetables. Melted butter all running down your chin and husk in your teeth.
A block of cheese
This is a favorite snack for when I’ve stumbled out of bed, managed to put on my bra but not fasten it. Once getting into the kitchen I squint at the dishes in the sink and say “fuck a bunch of chores” and unwrap a block of Tillamook and eat it with one hand while inking a comic page with the other.
Then I stuff the wrapper under the cushion of my office chair because the trash can is out of arms reach and I don’t want to wheel myself over to it.