New Years resolutions, Are people still doing those? I’m in my twenties so I haven’t heard them very often from my peer group. I mean, there are a few but they mostly involve not having a stomach pump, avoiding sexual partners with herpes and cheating less on term papers.
Every now and then I trip over some ballbag that has big goddamned plans for the new year. They will become like some sort of trim, chemically abstaining jesus figure. They will not smoke weed to get through the work day, run 8,000 miles and eat hand crafted, locally produced, tofu sculptures of the Dalai Lama so as to become a better human being. This year! This year they will cut the bad habits and care about their nieces karate belts! This year they will finally sign the divorce papers because you do want to get on with your new life with Megan in Reno don’t you, Bradley.
Those people will fail. After the hangover that renders them too sick to do anything they would normally clears they’ll go right back to hitting the bong before clocking in at Radio Shack.
Aim low, is what I’m telling you. If a lifetime of experience has taught me anything it’s that if you set the bar of others expectations for you low then even tieing your shoes without knotting your own thumb into the laces will garner you high, satisfying praise.
Here is a list of Resolutions for the disaffected, the indolent and the can’t-be-fucked. Feel free to enact them as you see fit.
1: Eat a sandwich with a condiment on it you don’t care for. Just once, just to say you did.
2: Stop doing whipits from the whipped cream can.
3: Stop stealing toilet paper from your place of employment.
4: Admit out loud that you only started playing ukulele to increase your whimsical, hipster girl appeal.
5: Delete the photos of your ex from your hard drive. After point it’s just unseemly to masturbate to someone married with four kids.
6: Don’t say you are “Being bad” when you order deserts at restaurants. Say instead, “I’m a grown man/woman and I will excercise my right to eat whatever the fuck I want.” Then flip the table.
7: Dress as a parrot mid march. Go to the supermarket, buy a bag of oranges. Pay with a personal check.
8: Spend less time with your family and more playing Skyrim.
9: Admit the dental floss in your medicine cabinet is seven years old and just for show. Then throw it away and not buy more.
10: Throw away the dead potted plant that’s been hanging from your shower rod for the past month.
12: When problem drinking, try throwing up on a car as opposed to in one.
From me to you, Happy New Year.